A place to rave, a place to rant, to commend and recommend, mostly a place to vent...

Friday, March 21, 2008

The measure of a man...

What is the true measure of a man? Is it he who is the strongest, the richest, with the most brawn or braggado? Or is it a man of integrity, of quiet ambition, who knows what he wants and is not threatened by a strong woman. Everyday in the last 13 years, I see the true measure of a man. He is my friend, my lover, my caregiver, the father of my children and my husband. Self-effacing and polite, people mistake his character traits for weakness. He loves literature (like I do), enjoys the game of scrabble (like I do), is a chess addict (which I dont have the mental capacity for), worships football (which I hate), loves classical music (not for me) and loves me, warts and all. Last week, I was unexpectedly rushed to the hospital to have my appendix removed. It could not have happened at the worst possible time. I was between house helps but my husband totally stepped up to the plate. He took time off work and became a househusband. He was there while I had surgery, his face was the first I saw when I woke up and everyday spent about three hours by my bedside. The nurses joked that I must have done 'ju-ju' for him and he just laughed. For the first two days before my cousin came in from Kano, he would wake the kids up, make sure they bathed and are dressed on time and send them on their way. He would then be with me from mid-morning till just before they get back from school. He leaves to buy lunch and dinner for them (he cannot cook to save his life!) and be back home before they get in. He was so wonderful. I shared a room with a nice woman who was there two days before me. She had a major surgery. For the four days I was recuperating in the hospital ward, her husband came once. He was there with another man for barely five minutes, which was all spent talking to his friend about the '10 or 16 billion' squandered rescuing the power situation. He totally ignored her. She timidly asked him for a 'glo-recharge card' and he said he would send his driver back to bring it regardless of the fact that there were people selling the cards on the grounds of the hospital. He then left after 5 minutes. This is the mother of his six children. It just took me back to my first marriage when I felt more like a piece of furniture. The relationship between them felt like a master/servant relationship. About an hour after he left, my husband went out to stretch his legs. He came back and handed the woman several recharge cards. She was speechless and so was I. I did not even realise he heard the exchange between the couple because he was reading his paper. These are the tiny things he does that I really appreciate. My very polite gentleman whose mantra is 'chivalry is not dead'. I never forget how lucky I am to be with him and I try to be a good wife to him, not perfect but good. He is not perfect either but is as near to perfection as I can get, recognising the fact that all men have human foibles. I know that this time I struck gold. As Fraulein Maria sang in 'The Sound of Music'
'Somewhere in my youth or childhood,
I must have done something good'

72 comments:

Chxta said...

Lucky you. Tell your husband that Chxta says sanu da aiki.

What have you been eating by the way?

30+ said...

You are so blessed to have him and so is he.

Hope you are feeling much better now>

Oluwatoyin Ajao-Dawodu said...

Hey dear, read you comment on my blog abt my peom. Thanks a lot.

I already added you to my blog roll that way bloggers can link with you.

Nice write -up. I am married to a wonderful man that believes in gender equality. We do chores together, we share fiancial repsonsiblity and so on. It's good to always see new possiblities and to always be an agent of change.

I love your courage. You took ur destiny into ur hands by furthering your education isntead of getting stuck in a child marriage!!!

By the way, you need to give ur blog a face lift and add other interesting stuff and links.
Take care of you

For the love of me said...

Cool. Nothing like a good responsible man anyday. May your marriage continue to blossom with each passing day.

Sting said...

Wow, your husband is so sweet. First time on ur blog. I read what u said about urself in your profile and i really admire the strong woman you've become. I'm all about the empowerment of women.

NoLimit said...

Hi,
I was so impressed!!! I pray that someday,I marry a man as wonderful as your husband(amen o!!!)

YankeeNaija said...

I'm with Sting in saying I admire you and your blog. God continue to use you to make a change in the world.

36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...

wao ur husband sonds really sweet!!

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Sorry about your surgery..sanu da gajiya. You are truly blessed, not just because you have a great husband, but because you REALISE you have a great husband! I pray that when the time comes (and thats no time soon), God will bless me with a man like that.

NigerianDramaQueen said...

**Realize**

Oracle said...

Nice blog and Happy Easter.

Nogo said...

OMG what a sweet man. Hope you're ok.

onydchic said...

Lovely. My dear, u've got a good man there, the kind we all hope for.

Not these lazy, money-hungry, selfish brutes many people have to deal with.

@oluwatoyin
amen to that.(ur husband that is)

doll said...

aw....so sweet

doll said...

i love yoyr description about yourself. I like that you were able to break free from the shackles of your first marriage and move on. I love these kind of stories...cheers!

anonymous gal said...

U deserve him o. u had one loveless marriage u deserve all the happiness u can get jare.

Aphrodite said...

You are one lucky woman dear.
I pray for a husband like urs.

ibiluv said...

olashU are blessed indeed.all the bad that happens in our youth is usually thrust upon us.as youths we are only capable of good....

Uzo said...

This is so sweet and so so amazing...you are blessed

zara said...

WOW!!!

Naapali said...

I came to say thanks for stopping by. I read your profile and am completely blown away. Reinforces why I am addicted to blogville. I truly have learnt and continue to learn more about life, Nigerian life, from this medium than from any previous one.

I believe you left a very poignant and insightful comment on Naijablog regarding the Abuja performance of V Monologue and I had made a note to find this spirit.

I am glad you are here and look forward to learning from you.

guerreiranigeriana said...

haven't read this post yet, but your about me section was rather interesting indeed!!...

guerreiranigeriana said...

what an amazing story and one that serves as inspiration for me...i just commented at arewa's about my reservations regarding marriage and unfaithful men...but wow...you are both blessed...you are right about that your early experience...glad you stopped by because your story just sounds amazing...

Ms. Catwalq said...

eeyah....

men, take this as the silver lining. u had to go through the first husband to know when you had one worth valuing.

how r u feeling now?

'Yar Mama said...

chxta, sannun ka dai. Na ordinary poor man food i dey chop.
30+,ftlom,sting,yankeenaija,36iobl,
oracle, nogo,doll,anonymousgal,abiluv,uzo, zara,naapali, guerreiranigeriana, thanx for all the compliments but I have to clarify that I have far from the perfect marriage. I dont want to give the impression that all is well and we spend all our time 'singing love songs to each other while running thru flowered gardens'. We have the normal marital squabbles (in fact quite often) but for the majority of the time, we are above average.

nolimit, ndq, onydchic, aphrodite, may the Almighty bring a life partner of faith and integrity, who respects the person you are.

toyin, glad you already foumd the one. By the way, i am new to this blogging thing so I probably will not be able to add anything yet but i am learning. Moreover, you know for my people (Hausa) less is more so we like things simple but i go try sha.

pamela said...

so, so, so, sweet.

Onome said...

OOOMMMGGG!!!! da' is so wonderful...my God bless ur husband and make him even better..may d joy u find in ur husband and marriage be everflowing...in Jesus Name..amen!!! dats a wonderful thing u have der..its wat we singles are clamouring before God for!!

Honeywell said...

bless your heart! thank God for your husband oh...

AlooFar said...

I’m sure you must have been told, I guess bored too, by the fact that you’re a brilliant writer. I’m new here. I stumbled at your after some random clicking from one blog to another. I must confess, reaching here is one of my blogging miracles.

I’m a fan, sincerely.

Cheers.

Uzezi said...

he who finds a good man finds peace

Waffarian said...

Welcome to blogville oh! So you mean say men like that still dey exist for dat country? No be God we thank? May God bless him oh! and you too jare, hold am well well oh!no trust those nurses self!

Meanwhile, naapali wey dey accuse people say dem no share dis their wonderful findings, brother, so, na so all of una find better thing una no share? They say wey wind blow, fowl nyash go open! Na so I just by mistake come dis side, I come catch all of una! You see yaself!

Solomsonsydelle, I know say u go soon reach dis side, i don catch you too!

Tayo said...

Hi, thanks for visiting my blog. My first time her and I'm really impressed and inspired by your drive and passion. I believe the longest time of our lives is usually spent with our partner. We only spend the first few years with siblings&parents and our kids eventually leave us after they get married. Congrats on finding such a good man to spend that time with.

TheAfroBeat said...

First time on here (like many others it seems) and i'm blown away by your profile story and this blog post. Such a great man you have by your side, and yes, i'm sure the Fraulein Maria song is very true for you. I had my appendix taken out when i was in JS2 and boy was that a tough time for me...did they starve you for a week? men, i used to hate food back then but after that incident of being starved for 5 whole days, i never looked at food the same way...i'm a proper foodie now!

Well, welcome to blogville and i look forward to reading many a post of yours to come!

In my head and around me said...

Awwww!! Does he have an unmarried brother? LOL!!!

I love his mantra "chivalry is not dead. I wish I could hear/read more stories like this. Unfortunately, the one of your room mate is more prevalent.

Simi Speaks said...

1st time here and luvvving it!

first of, i was so captivated by ur profile. All that came to mind was PHENOMENAL WOMAN By Maya Angelou. U took life by its horns!

Also ur post got me teary-eyed. How sweet is that!! Am a sucker, i know, i know...

archiwiz said...

Wow!!!! This is so beautiful. You're a strong woman, with a strong, supportive husband. I can't understand when some men say they don't know what women want when they have such fine examples like your around.

N.I.M.M.O said...

This shows that at least men can do some things right.

How are you feeling now Madam?

ladyguide said...

hope u r beta now ? your hubby is ... wat can i say? hmm.. Sweet, hope he knows he's lucky to have you. Anyway God go give us our own too, aah una no go shout AMEN

Sherri said...

that a gem of a man u got there.
u already knew that..
hope u're feeling better.

Zena said...

love the way u write


hope ur doing well

Naijachic said...

Waoh! this is truly inspiring! You are really blessed and doulbly lucky- on husband and a friend that he is to you.

I am like WHAT? I pray god biko send me double the blessing oh!

shop liquorice said...

:)))))))))))))))

NikkiSab said...

My first time here and you brot tears to my eyes!!!! You r a very lucky woman and I am happy for u. Ur husband is amazing!! I wish u d best. Thanks for stoppin by & i will drop by again n again n again. LOL!!!

shola pacheco said...

thanks for visiting my blog babes,hope ur doing great...will come back to comment more

Ollay said...

Aww...this is so touching...bless his heart!

Sasuke said...

men this your post wound me no be small.men na man you marry jare!

the beautiful thing about your post is that you know what you have and so it would be almost impossible for you to loose it.

you deserve what you have my dear, enjoy it with pride

why you no like football now! hope your husband is an Arsenal fan?

OluwaDee said...

U definitely did sometn good sometime in ur child hood.

God bless your husband 1m x 1m times. He is an example to men of our days.

I hope u r feeling much better now. More blessing coming ur way.

Nabila said...

I just discovered your blog while I was going through some other blogs. I am a Hausa woman in her early twenties and I must say I respect you a lot. Going through a failed married at a very tender age and yet finding the courage to leave and BECOME..It's stories like yours that make me just say Masha Allah...You're a very srong Hausa woman and unfortunately a lot of us aren't like that..For me, just because I express my opinions, people say it's because I school outside the country so I've adopted the views of 'turawa' but this is far from true because right from a very young age, I've always been liberal..Anyway back to you again, You have a wonderful husband who is one in a million. I'm assuming he's a northerner (you know how our men can be), that's why i say one in a million..I think you should write a book because from what I've read so far, you've been through an amazing journey in life..

Mrs Somebody said...

I hope your story gets the 'bella naija' prize.You need to re-edit it and give us the full details.I'm waiting.......

AustynZOGS said...

'Ya mama,
Thanks for the beautiful comments you left on my blog.You are such a great woman.Little wonder God blessed you with a nice husband.Keep being the best you can be.

Bunmmy said...

hope u feeling beta.

learnt the hard way the true measure of a man ain't physical but much deeper.

stay stronger and keeo connection wit your man

fantasy queen said...

the best thing about it all is that you know what you have and you appreciate it.

you know as i read this post i remembered i read your story about how you met your hubby on bella niajas page...you're one blessed lady.

hope you're much better now.

Toky said...

its so nice to know that you share one thing in common with my wife...God sent husbands. so happy for u girl!

BacktoNaija said...

I wrote a comment some days back, but apparently blogger didn't like it, but am not to be deterred! I wanted to say that your post was stuck in my mind for days as I've been thinking about the M word for a while and the seeming deterioration of the institution. But your post was absolutely inspiring. thanks for sharing!

BacktoNaija said...

@toky, very funny!

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

This was absolutely lovely to read. The key remains to show appreciation to the ones you love, right? If your huband ever reads this, I am sure he will realize (not that he doesn't already), how much you love, cherish and respect him.

Congrats and may God bless!

W2b said...

dayum girl!!!
u cld be describing my husband ;-)
i had my appendix removed in 06 nad he showed up with flowers every single day, after work, in that traffic, the nurses and doctors had a great time laughing at my then fiance, but the room looked and felt great!!-this was in naija o, i tripped...
love ur blog
zhala duschamps

Jaycee said...

Hmmm...first time on ur blog and I'm loving the way u express urself. Will be back when u update...

Jaycee said...

The story of ur man sent thrills of excitement through my body...u have a good man. :)

Smaragd said...

Awwwwwwwww!!!

Ur man's such a honeybunch *making mushyfaces*

how are u now? hope u are back on ur feet.

thank God for u, u have put a new angle to my cynical view of marriage and female Emancipation.I'm happy u freed urself from the "shackles" of tradition and revitalised urself too.

may God help that other woman!six children for a buffon!

pls update, i intend to learn from you.

off to read the other posts and comments....

ebony said...

Awwww, you brought tears to my eyes. What a man (x3), what a mighty good man.. a la salt n pepa!

Engee said...

wow!!! this was the first word dat i could say wen i read ur profile....

...U REALLY MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING GOOD IN UR YOUTH.....we all pray to have husbands as caring and understanding as urs, u're really blessed my dear and he is also blessed to have such a strong woman like you.

stumbled on ur blog while doin my usual blog rounds and i thank God i clicked that button.

by the grace of God i SHALL be a regular here.

God bless u and pls for pple like me who need motivation from pple like you......DONT GO ANYWHERE.....

darkelcee said...

HMMM

you are lucky to have him dear and i am happy for you.

how are you doing now? Good i guess?

Onibudo said...

Yar Mama trailed you to your blog . Quite an exciting prospect it is to increase my education.

I feel your husband approach has nothing to do with your luck but everything to do with his character evolution. It most likely traced to the relations with his love teachers i.e. the women in his formative years especially mother, grandmother et al. I however hope his role is neither predictable nor completely domesticated. It is too simplistic to award titles of good and bad men based on how much they fulfill their partners expectations. Love is not just affection it is the pain, happiness and discovery of actualising growth towards a fulfilling purpose.

Take the man who did not by recharge card for his wife and was clearly not engaged in showing express concern for her health. You are probably right about his approach to her but you spent too little time to truly understand the dynamics of their relationship. There is more to their relationship than the time they passed with you. Is it possible that this man is got serious psychological issues with hospitals but masks it with indifference and detachment?

There is a lot to correct about the treatment of women especially in Nigeria but we need to engaged in a nuanced as well as deep understanding of what, why and how or else we replace one failing approach with another simplistic solution.

I am happy for you that you have a life partner that understands your love language and complements your expectations. Insallah you will be both at the twilight of life showered in that same feeling of fulfillment, dignity, mutual respect and love that is there today.

Ire O

Jem said...

Perfect ....the post says it all and more. You have a loving and caring husband who adores you...that's the way it should be.

A Kel called Wonder ...... said...

Wonderful words. You make me realise that sometimes we take great things for granted.........

Loving ya blog

Zephi Fahrenheit said...

omg..,.I got teary eyed reading this...baba here my cry give a husband as caring as yarmama..lol..
but i am serious oh..you are blessed

Zephi Fahrenheit said...

ohh and I hope your recovering speedily from your surgery

Jarrai said...

Hope you get better soon. First time here and love it!

This was so nice to read, not all men are the same. It restores my faith that there is someone out there who will treat you like a jewel.

You are blessed and have a wonderful man beside you.

Get well soon xx

rethots said...

With 69 comments.....i sure can add nothing more.

But, i daresay....to a noble husband, i doff.

Aijay said...

Wow! I'm so touched. God bless u and ur husband.

latishababy said...

you have a husband made from heaven
i am so glad
you left your first husband'

being a furniture (a trophy) is sad''

send me ur email
mine is tishasmith010@yahoo.com